Today marks two years since I last self harmed. I wanted to write something. Here it is.
Dear hopeless,
There is hope, even if it seems to be far off.
Your eyes are downcast and you pull long sleeves over your scarred arms to cover your shame. You avoid the gaze of your concerned friends and hope with all your might that they don’t ask why you’re wearing long sleeves on such a hot day. You anxiously wait for the end of the day so you can hide away in your room, and when you finally make it, you tentatively pull your razor from its hiding place and with shaking hands bring it to your arm.
You feel alone.
You feel trapped.
There is something in you screaming that this is wrong, but a louder scream that cries that you need it… you need it to make you feel better. Does it make you feel better? Does it heal you, or does it simply make the hurt more visible? Does it help you, or does it make you feel more and more helpless? A slave to a blade.
Today, hopeless, it has been two years since I last made myself bleed. It has been two years since a blade pierced my skin. There have been dark nights when my hands have trembled and my mind has raced, wishing for the release it would bring. Two years where I have not given in. And this has not been done because of my strength. This has been done by God’s strength. By his convincing me that even in the darkness, I should not give in. By his placing people nearby who are willing to talk and talk and talk on the days when I cannot bear to be alone.
Two years, hopeless. And I used to be where you sit now. I used to think it was impossible.
Hopeless, there is hope. Please know this. Hope is found in Jesus Christ, who was wounded so that we could be healed. I am not saying He will fix everything, but walking with Him means that you will never be alone. Walking with Him means that even when you have run out of strength to say no, His strength is enough.
Hopeless, there is hope. And I pray that you encounter Him as I have. I pray that you let Him in. I pray that one day you will not hide cuts under long sleeves on hot summer days, but instead that your skin feels the warmth of the sunshine and the smoothness that comes when the scars heal.
I pray that, above all, He heals your heart and fills it with His love.
Yours in the daily battle to be okay,
Hopeful
I was hoping when I saw your Tweet that you would blog too. It is wonderful when we can testify to God’s faithfulness like this. I am hoping for a miracle in my family this Christmas!
I was hesitant to blog about it, honestly. Didn’t really know what to say or what could be said… but wanted to say something, so went with what came naturally.
Will praying for your family this Christmas time – it’s always a crazy time, but God seems to love showing his grace through all of that insanity, right?
It has been a week after months of freedom..thank you for this which NO ONE talks about, I cried and cried, then, I felt much better. Your post brough so much to my mind, hope and lnowing I’m not alone, those were what meant the most. I don’t know if this post was hard to write, I imagine it was, thank you for being so brave, it gives me strength…I look forward to a 2 year record in my own life. Yea, and people look at you weird that you never wear shorts or dresses, always wanna know why a girl wont show a little leg, they don’t wanna know the answer though..sorry for the long comment, this post stired up a lot in me, again…thank you. May God continue to keep you close under His wings.-WATW
Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable here. I know how hard it is. I sent a message to a bunch of friends who have walked with me over the last four years or so to let them know that it had been two years since I hurt myself, and one of them responded with “amazing how what starts as ‘little steps’ leads to a long journey.”
I pray that you take those little steps, and keep on taking them… but, more than anything, that if you stumble, that you’ll get back up and keep on walking. I’m not arrogant enough to think that two years without it makes me immune to the temptation, but I’m hopeful that with God’s strength I’ll be able to stand against it.
And so can you.
I promise.
Praying for you, sister.
Completely moved by this beautiful blog. What a testament to hope in dark places… exactly what Christian youth ministers are meant to be- thank you. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability too.
Becca x
Thanks, Becca.